Every day, I get up for work. I work with children who have severe disabilities. I am hit, kicked, spit at and screamed at almost every day. It is not an easy job. And we are coming off an incredibly difficult period of time at work. The kids were off the charts, they were angry, violent, and just completely unpleasant. And I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it. But, we trudged through, and made it through. Not without threatening to quit several times. Things finally seem to be calming down a bit in life.
But that isn't the hardest thing that I do.
My boyfriend is a C5 complete quadriplegic. He has no purposeful movement below his elbows. His elbows bend, but do not straighten without letting gravity take a roll. His hands are completely paralyzed, as are his wrists. He needs help with many different things. He cannot just get in and out of bed whenever he wants. He cannot just eat whenever he wants. When it's cold outside, he cannot even just go outside whenever he wants. Thank God his service dog is so great and can go outside without her leash sometimes, because he cannot even hook her up by himself. Being a devotee, I am attracted to the paralysis. No one ever said I have to like the difficulties that he faces. Because honestly, they can be very tough to watch. Especially when you are watching through a computer screen.
However, this still isn't the hardest thing that I do.
The hardest thing I do every day is when I have to say goodnight through a computer screen. And I crawl in to bed, alone, curled up with his sweatshirt wishing that I could have more than that. That is the hardest thing I do. The hardest thing I do is hold in the tears when all I want is my boyfriend and to be a typical couple. But we are not. And I just keep pushing through until we can close the distance. But on nights like last night and tonight, I just keep thinking about the hardest thing I do.
