So, as the Christmas season draws to a close, and the year is quickly following, I have spent a lot of time reflecting. The title of this post has a two-fold meaning.
This year has been a crazy learning experience for me. I went back to school in January for my Master's Degree, which took a serious toll on my emotional state. At that time, I was working full time, working part time, and going to school part time. I was miserable and seriously crashing from the stress of it all. It took me nearly failing out of my Masters program to realize that I'm not superwoman, and I needed to cut back on my stressors. So, in April I said goodbye to the Arena and my part time job.
In late May I learned of the term Devotee, and an explanation of the feelings I have had for so many years. June 1 I joined an online community that I can only describe as completely eye opening for me. It gave me a place of belonging finally. And they took me in, and I feel I have really grown as an individual. There is an offshoot of the site, which is more of an adult site, and that is where I met my amazing LegalQuad. And my life has not been the same since July 23. After a little over a month, we met in person on September 5, and now I could not imagine my life without him.
As I reflect on this, it brings up the distance that I have come over time. There is currently a person who works at my university that is on paid administrative leave because of the way that she treats the students. I had problems with her while I was there, and I signed a petition to have her removed. It is no secret to most that I have had mental health problems in the past. I still do, but the symptoms are much better than what they were. She tried to throw me out of school because of these problems. I look at my life then, and the mess that it was. I was barely getting by, just barely holding the pieces of my life together. Then I look at today. I have a job, I am in school, and I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have come such a long way from where I was. The distance amazes me.
Then there is the distance between my boyfriend and I. When Legalquad is at school, we are about 150 miles apart. That may not seem like a lot, but it is when you don't drive. it's torture. Well, right now, he's home, which is about 450 miles from me. And I am struggling with this distance. I am missing him constantly. Because I just want to be with him. Learning to manage a long distance relationship is one of the most difficult things that I've had to do. But I wouldn't change the person that I'm with. I might just change our distance situation.
So, here is to an even better 2016, with the one that I love. I can only hope that we continue to grow and get closer as time goes on.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
The Unexpected
I have not always known what a Devotee (Dev) is. Honestly, it a pretty new term to me. Have I always known that I was different? Yes. When I was a kid, probably around 11, I remember my curiosity being piqued about persons with disabilities. I met a girl a bit older than me in a chat room on AOL (yes, we are going back in time a bit LOL). She was a C6/C7 complete Quad. We chatted about what it was like to be paralyzed, and I said things that I didn't necessarily mean, and it got me in trouble with my mom when she found out about it. I was told I couldn't get online anymore, and when I was allowed back on, it was all monitored.
My curiosity never stopped though. I joined Myspace groups about PWD. I just wanted to learn and I was curious about it all. However, it eventually went mildly dormant. The feelings went away, probably from years of being told that I was wrong in my thoughts. I learned to suppress them.
That was though, until Covert Affairs came on. I had heard about the show, but had not watched it. I was channel surfing though one day and watched part of. I had to have more, I had to watch more Auggie. For those that don't know, Auggie Anderson is a character on the show. He was blinded in an explosion while serving in the Army in Special Ops. Of course, Auggie's disability intrigued me. So, when I got my Kindle the following year, I began reading books where the main character was disabled in some way. This eventually led back to a main character that was paralyzed. Damn, all those thoughts came rushing back. However, what was really interesting was that not too long before all of this, the story about a woman who has Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) .BIID woman These people are also know as Pretenders, and are usually looked down upon in any community. However, I learned through my own experience and from discussing with other Devs that it is a common thought among Devs to think that they have BIID before they find out about Devoteeism. Through my reading though, I found out about Devs. I actually read a book about a Dev, and that was how I figured out what was really going on in my head.
I read about a website that was devoted to Devs and PWDs, and thought that I would explore it. What could it hurt? I didn't realize then that what I was finding was what I had been living in silence. There were other people like me. Some of them were "in the closet" like I am still. My boyfriend obviously knows that I'm a Dev. But other than that, no one that knows me personally knows that I'm a Dev. Needless to say, it was not easy trying to explain to my family how I met a Quad online. But that is a whole other story.
Those people online on those websites have become like family. They are the ones that I go to with questions and concerns, because they understand where I'm coming from. Many have been in my position before. I have gone on other websites for PWDs, looking for extra help and information and experience about being with a Quad. There are so many questions that I don't even know how to ask that I have gone looking for information on. And these people, without actually knowing that I am a Dev, are honestly just rude and sometimes nasty. There are people in these online communities, however, that really understand. And I really hope that through this Blog, it helps others out there that really need the support. Eventually, at least on my end, this will become a little more intimate. It will discuss things that are usually off-limits, that really need to be discussed.
My curiosity never stopped though. I joined Myspace groups about PWD. I just wanted to learn and I was curious about it all. However, it eventually went mildly dormant. The feelings went away, probably from years of being told that I was wrong in my thoughts. I learned to suppress them.
That was though, until Covert Affairs came on. I had heard about the show, but had not watched it. I was channel surfing though one day and watched part of. I had to have more, I had to watch more Auggie. For those that don't know, Auggie Anderson is a character on the show. He was blinded in an explosion while serving in the Army in Special Ops. Of course, Auggie's disability intrigued me. So, when I got my Kindle the following year, I began reading books where the main character was disabled in some way. This eventually led back to a main character that was paralyzed. Damn, all those thoughts came rushing back. However, what was really interesting was that not too long before all of this, the story about a woman who has Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) .BIID woman These people are also know as Pretenders, and are usually looked down upon in any community. However, I learned through my own experience and from discussing with other Devs that it is a common thought among Devs to think that they have BIID before they find out about Devoteeism. Through my reading though, I found out about Devs. I actually read a book about a Dev, and that was how I figured out what was really going on in my head.
I read about a website that was devoted to Devs and PWDs, and thought that I would explore it. What could it hurt? I didn't realize then that what I was finding was what I had been living in silence. There were other people like me. Some of them were "in the closet" like I am still. My boyfriend obviously knows that I'm a Dev. But other than that, no one that knows me personally knows that I'm a Dev. Needless to say, it was not easy trying to explain to my family how I met a Quad online. But that is a whole other story.
Those people online on those websites have become like family. They are the ones that I go to with questions and concerns, because they understand where I'm coming from. Many have been in my position before. I have gone on other websites for PWDs, looking for extra help and information and experience about being with a Quad. There are so many questions that I don't even know how to ask that I have gone looking for information on. And these people, without actually knowing that I am a Dev, are honestly just rude and sometimes nasty. There are people in these online communities, however, that really understand. And I really hope that through this Blog, it helps others out there that really need the support. Eventually, at least on my end, this will become a little more intimate. It will discuss things that are usually off-limits, that really need to be discussed.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
The Stares
So, I was reading another blog the other day, and it brought to mind some other things that I have thought about. Being with a quadriplegic, it of course is going to have its ups and downs. Every relationship has its ups and downs, it's to be expected. And when I entered into this relationship, I was completely willing and accepting of taking on these ups and downs.
One good and bad part is the stares. People are just naturally curious. Kids are just beyond naturally curious, and have no filter. Which can really be awesome. However, over time people try to suppress that natural curiosity and filter, and it turns into the stares. Personally, they don't bother me too much. It may be because I grew up with an aunt who uses a power wheelchair, and I have always just been used to it. Honestly, I still catch myself staring at other people in wheelchairs. I am honestly oftentimes trying to figure out why they are in a chair. For some, it's obvious. Others, not so much. But whatever, I'm getting off track.
When people stare at us while we are out, I just nod and keep going. Because being with Legalquad is something that I absolutely love, and I want people to see that about us. Even though he can't feel it, when I catch someone staring at us, I tend to squeeze his hand a little bit. For me, that is just reassuring, even though I know if he's not looking, he has no idea that I am doing it. I'm sure that people stare out of curiosity. But I also know that they are staring at his service dog. He has a 4 year old golden retriever service dog. As good as she is, it's hard to hide 75 pounds of dog, lol.
Truthfully, the only time I mind people staring is when we are eating, especially if it's food that he needs to be fed. I feel like that is an invasion of our privacy. I don't stare at you while you are eating, please mind your own business while we eat and enjoy each others company.
While we are growing in this relationship, and I am learning more and more about what it is like being with a guy who is quadriplegic, I have learned a lot about myself as well. And I have learned that the stares aren't all bad. I haven't yet been asked if I'm the caretaker or something along those lines, but the hand holding and kissing may give that away ;)
One good and bad part is the stares. People are just naturally curious. Kids are just beyond naturally curious, and have no filter. Which can really be awesome. However, over time people try to suppress that natural curiosity and filter, and it turns into the stares. Personally, they don't bother me too much. It may be because I grew up with an aunt who uses a power wheelchair, and I have always just been used to it. Honestly, I still catch myself staring at other people in wheelchairs. I am honestly oftentimes trying to figure out why they are in a chair. For some, it's obvious. Others, not so much. But whatever, I'm getting off track.
When people stare at us while we are out, I just nod and keep going. Because being with Legalquad is something that I absolutely love, and I want people to see that about us. Even though he can't feel it, when I catch someone staring at us, I tend to squeeze his hand a little bit. For me, that is just reassuring, even though I know if he's not looking, he has no idea that I am doing it. I'm sure that people stare out of curiosity. But I also know that they are staring at his service dog. He has a 4 year old golden retriever service dog. As good as she is, it's hard to hide 75 pounds of dog, lol.
Truthfully, the only time I mind people staring is when we are eating, especially if it's food that he needs to be fed. I feel like that is an invasion of our privacy. I don't stare at you while you are eating, please mind your own business while we eat and enjoy each others company.
While we are growing in this relationship, and I am learning more and more about what it is like being with a guy who is quadriplegic, I have learned a lot about myself as well. And I have learned that the stares aren't all bad. I haven't yet been asked if I'm the caretaker or something along those lines, but the hand holding and kissing may give that away ;)
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Introducing Myself - QuadLover
So, this is my (our) first blog post. Myself, QuadLover, am a 24 year old female in a relationship with my boyfriend who is a C5 Quadriplegic. He was injured in August of 2004. Even though we haven't been together long, he has truly become the love of my life. We met online, on an online forum for Persons With Disabilies (PWD) and Devotees (Devs). Yes, I am a Dev, hence the name of the blog.
A little about myself though: I am a personal aide in the local school district. For the last 2 years I have been an aide to a 13 year old boy with multiple disabilities. Our entire school is students with disabilities, so I really have an awesome job. I love what I do, even on the days that it drags me down. I have a bachelors degree in Sociology, and I am working on my Masters in Special Education. I love being outdoors. I have just recently gotten into birding. Photography is also a hobby of mine. I'm sure that I will share some as time goes on. I am also a dog lover. I have a 16 year old mutt, who has been part of my life for 15 years.
That for the most part is me. Keep an eye out for LegalQuad. We are going to be sharing this blog together :)
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