So, as the Christmas season draws to a close, and the year is quickly following, I have spent a lot of time reflecting. The title of this post has a two-fold meaning.
This year has been a crazy learning experience for me. I went back to school in January for my Master's Degree, which took a serious toll on my emotional state. At that time, I was working full time, working part time, and going to school part time. I was miserable and seriously crashing from the stress of it all. It took me nearly failing out of my Masters program to realize that I'm not superwoman, and I needed to cut back on my stressors. So, in April I said goodbye to the Arena and my part time job.
In late May I learned of the term Devotee, and an explanation of the feelings I have had for so many years. June 1 I joined an online community that I can only describe as completely eye opening for me. It gave me a place of belonging finally. And they took me in, and I feel I have really grown as an individual. There is an offshoot of the site, which is more of an adult site, and that is where I met my amazing LegalQuad. And my life has not been the same since July 23. After a little over a month, we met in person on September 5, and now I could not imagine my life without him.
As I reflect on this, it brings up the distance that I have come over time. There is currently a person who works at my university that is on paid administrative leave because of the way that she treats the students. I had problems with her while I was there, and I signed a petition to have her removed. It is no secret to most that I have had mental health problems in the past. I still do, but the symptoms are much better than what they were. She tried to throw me out of school because of these problems. I look at my life then, and the mess that it was. I was barely getting by, just barely holding the pieces of my life together. Then I look at today. I have a job, I am in school, and I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have come such a long way from where I was. The distance amazes me.
Then there is the distance between my boyfriend and I. When Legalquad is at school, we are about 150 miles apart. That may not seem like a lot, but it is when you don't drive. it's torture. Well, right now, he's home, which is about 450 miles from me. And I am struggling with this distance. I am missing him constantly. Because I just want to be with him. Learning to manage a long distance relationship is one of the most difficult things that I've had to do. But I wouldn't change the person that I'm with. I might just change our distance situation.
So, here is to an even better 2016, with the one that I love. I can only hope that we continue to grow and get closer as time goes on.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
The Unexpected
I have not always known what a Devotee (Dev) is. Honestly, it a pretty new term to me. Have I always known that I was different? Yes. When I was a kid, probably around 11, I remember my curiosity being piqued about persons with disabilities. I met a girl a bit older than me in a chat room on AOL (yes, we are going back in time a bit LOL). She was a C6/C7 complete Quad. We chatted about what it was like to be paralyzed, and I said things that I didn't necessarily mean, and it got me in trouble with my mom when she found out about it. I was told I couldn't get online anymore, and when I was allowed back on, it was all monitored.
My curiosity never stopped though. I joined Myspace groups about PWD. I just wanted to learn and I was curious about it all. However, it eventually went mildly dormant. The feelings went away, probably from years of being told that I was wrong in my thoughts. I learned to suppress them.
That was though, until Covert Affairs came on. I had heard about the show, but had not watched it. I was channel surfing though one day and watched part of. I had to have more, I had to watch more Auggie. For those that don't know, Auggie Anderson is a character on the show. He was blinded in an explosion while serving in the Army in Special Ops. Of course, Auggie's disability intrigued me. So, when I got my Kindle the following year, I began reading books where the main character was disabled in some way. This eventually led back to a main character that was paralyzed. Damn, all those thoughts came rushing back. However, what was really interesting was that not too long before all of this, the story about a woman who has Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) .BIID woman These people are also know as Pretenders, and are usually looked down upon in any community. However, I learned through my own experience and from discussing with other Devs that it is a common thought among Devs to think that they have BIID before they find out about Devoteeism. Through my reading though, I found out about Devs. I actually read a book about a Dev, and that was how I figured out what was really going on in my head.
I read about a website that was devoted to Devs and PWDs, and thought that I would explore it. What could it hurt? I didn't realize then that what I was finding was what I had been living in silence. There were other people like me. Some of them were "in the closet" like I am still. My boyfriend obviously knows that I'm a Dev. But other than that, no one that knows me personally knows that I'm a Dev. Needless to say, it was not easy trying to explain to my family how I met a Quad online. But that is a whole other story.
Those people online on those websites have become like family. They are the ones that I go to with questions and concerns, because they understand where I'm coming from. Many have been in my position before. I have gone on other websites for PWDs, looking for extra help and information and experience about being with a Quad. There are so many questions that I don't even know how to ask that I have gone looking for information on. And these people, without actually knowing that I am a Dev, are honestly just rude and sometimes nasty. There are people in these online communities, however, that really understand. And I really hope that through this Blog, it helps others out there that really need the support. Eventually, at least on my end, this will become a little more intimate. It will discuss things that are usually off-limits, that really need to be discussed.
My curiosity never stopped though. I joined Myspace groups about PWD. I just wanted to learn and I was curious about it all. However, it eventually went mildly dormant. The feelings went away, probably from years of being told that I was wrong in my thoughts. I learned to suppress them.
That was though, until Covert Affairs came on. I had heard about the show, but had not watched it. I was channel surfing though one day and watched part of. I had to have more, I had to watch more Auggie. For those that don't know, Auggie Anderson is a character on the show. He was blinded in an explosion while serving in the Army in Special Ops. Of course, Auggie's disability intrigued me. So, when I got my Kindle the following year, I began reading books where the main character was disabled in some way. This eventually led back to a main character that was paralyzed. Damn, all those thoughts came rushing back. However, what was really interesting was that not too long before all of this, the story about a woman who has Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) .BIID woman These people are also know as Pretenders, and are usually looked down upon in any community. However, I learned through my own experience and from discussing with other Devs that it is a common thought among Devs to think that they have BIID before they find out about Devoteeism. Through my reading though, I found out about Devs. I actually read a book about a Dev, and that was how I figured out what was really going on in my head.
I read about a website that was devoted to Devs and PWDs, and thought that I would explore it. What could it hurt? I didn't realize then that what I was finding was what I had been living in silence. There were other people like me. Some of them were "in the closet" like I am still. My boyfriend obviously knows that I'm a Dev. But other than that, no one that knows me personally knows that I'm a Dev. Needless to say, it was not easy trying to explain to my family how I met a Quad online. But that is a whole other story.
Those people online on those websites have become like family. They are the ones that I go to with questions and concerns, because they understand where I'm coming from. Many have been in my position before. I have gone on other websites for PWDs, looking for extra help and information and experience about being with a Quad. There are so many questions that I don't even know how to ask that I have gone looking for information on. And these people, without actually knowing that I am a Dev, are honestly just rude and sometimes nasty. There are people in these online communities, however, that really understand. And I really hope that through this Blog, it helps others out there that really need the support. Eventually, at least on my end, this will become a little more intimate. It will discuss things that are usually off-limits, that really need to be discussed.
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