Tonight is just my night full of worry. Every now and again my anxiety gets like this, and my brain just goes on massive overdrive. I have two dogs at home. One is my 16, almost 17 year old mutt. The other is my soon to be 9 year old beagle that we just got in November. My 16 year old has been having some neurological problems for a few years now in his back end and he also has a blocked gland on his tail. The gland has given us nothing but a problem lately, and it doesn't help that we have a purebred beagle that just sniffs and attacks blood at all costs. He chewed a hole in a pair of jeans that had blood on them. He can be such a nutcase LOL. Well, this sore on my 16 y/o dog's tail now has an ulcer on it and he is just so miserable lately. It is killing me because I know that his days are starting to become numbered. He is having a harder time getting up and down the stairs, he is falling more, and he is just not a fan of the beagle, so I don't think that is doing him any good. I'm so afraid that within the next month we are going to have to put him down because we have had him for 15, almost 16 years. More than half of my life. I know that he has had a good life, but he is still my baby, my puppy, my boy. I'm just really heartbroken over that right now.
I'm also worrying about my relationship with LegalQuad. He graduates in May with his law degree and takes the Bar exam in July. After that, I don't know what exactly is going to happen. The most likely situation though is that he is going to move back towards home, which instead of being 2 1/2 hours away from me, will make him 6 hours away from me. And it just makes me so sad to think that that will be the case. Because it won't be so easy to see each other. Skype dates are great, yeah. And we are lucky enough that right now we can Skype at least 4/5 days out of the week. But I know that things are going to be changing, and really soon in the grand scheme of things. And it really worries and upsets me. And of course I'm afraid to bring it up, BIG SURPRISE! The distance kills me already. I was there the last two weekends with him, and on the ride home Sunday, I cried probably 2 1/2 hours straight. I literally just couldn't stop. Because I wanted nothing more than to just be there and stay with him. Because with him, everything just seems right. Everything fits. We just fit together like two peas in a pod. I have finally reached a level of acceptance about him having aides around a good portion of the time, and his needs, especially in the morning and at night. I am very thankful for them, and he has some really great aides right now.
I just don't want to lose him because of distance. I don't graduate until May of 2017. And I will be student teaching that Spring. I know in my heart that it will all work out in the long run. But right now, I am just stressing over the unknown. And I can't even bare to verbalize it all. Because it's just so jumbled and unknown at this point. I know I shouldn't be worked up about this, because right now, I don't even know when I'm going to see him again. It's just all so overwhelming right now. In less than a month we will celebrate our 6 month anniversary. Well, I will at least because I'm going to pull the gender card here and say, he's a guy and doesn't necessarily think about these things, LOL. But I really found the man of my dreams here. It is an honest and true feeling. His words just fill my heart with happiness and love. It's just something that I have never felt before. And it's something that I never want to let go of <3
Friday, February 19, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
No, It Won't Change
Yay, another blog post this week! I really enjoyed my last post, and I hope that others did. I love Miss Illi and chatting about her. However, I need to take a little more of a serious turn in this.
I saw a post on Facebook that really got my mind thinking. Since I started dating a guy in a wheelchair, I have gotten plenty of questions and comments from various persons in my life. Most of the questions and comments have been reasonable, others are the frustrating and eventually painful questions that every SO of a person who has been paralyzed faces. While I have only been with LQ for 5 months, there are always reactions and questions.
Honestly, after I tell people about LQ and that he is a C5 quadriplegic, the first reaction is usually "OMG" or "What exactly does that mean". Truthfully, I like having people ask certain questions and showing interest in my relationship and me. The one big question is "What Happened?" I don't mind that question. People are just naturally curious. So, I explain to them the swimming accident and the injury to the best of my knowledge. Explaining to them though that the injury is complete is sometimes hard for them to swallow. When an injury is as severe (or I just refer to it as high) as LQ's is, it's hard for people to accept sometimes. When I tell people that his hands are completely paralyzed and his triceps are completely paralyzed as well. I usually need to explain things in pretty basic terms. They understand that his hands are paralyzed. However, I usually need to explain that he cannot straighten his arms through his own will. It's all gravity that takes care of that. He cannot lift his arms above his head, his triceps would control that. So, it's usually when people hear these things that you begin to hear the "Oh my, I'm so sorry".
But what really brought this on was reading a story on a Facebook group. It is a support group for Wives and Girlfriends of Men with SCI. Even though I am a Dev, going to this group really helps because there are many questions and situations that these women have been in that I have not been in yet and that they know a lot more about. I was reading though about a woman whose husband recovered from his SCI after 10 years and is now walking and no longer needs his wheelchair and hospital bed. This has made me really think. When I started to tell my friends and co workers about LQ and I, I told them he was a quadriplegic. And of course, people always ask the question, "Will he ever recover?"
Well, recover is a loaded word. Recover in the physical sense? Well, what physical sense? Will his spinal cord heal on its own? No, it won't. He has been a complete quadriplegic for 11 years, there isn't going to be a magical cure all the sudden. But has he recovered physically to the point that he is able to not only function but thrive in society? Yes, he totally has. Sometimes I feel like he is able to function better in society than I can. He sometimes has more of a will to function in society than I do. Of course he has pretty much recovered in the mental and emotional sense. Of course, there are always going to be days that people struggle. We all have them. But after becoming a high level quad at 14, I would say that LQ has recovered pretty well now that he is going to be graduating from Law School in a few months.
It is really important for people to realize that not every person with a spinal cord injury can make these miraculous recoveries that the media likes to discuss. The media always likes to add in "feel good stories" or "disabled porn". These are the things that people want to hear and read. People don't want to hear that the injuries won't change, that people won't make a recovery. And it is frustrating to hear people ask that all the time. Especially when the person is well adjusted. Understand that the adjustment isn't always an easy one. It takes a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fighting to get back to the new normal. It's important to keep pushing forward, not trying to change the unchangeable.
I saw a post on Facebook that really got my mind thinking. Since I started dating a guy in a wheelchair, I have gotten plenty of questions and comments from various persons in my life. Most of the questions and comments have been reasonable, others are the frustrating and eventually painful questions that every SO of a person who has been paralyzed faces. While I have only been with LQ for 5 months, there are always reactions and questions.
Honestly, after I tell people about LQ and that he is a C5 quadriplegic, the first reaction is usually "OMG" or "What exactly does that mean". Truthfully, I like having people ask certain questions and showing interest in my relationship and me. The one big question is "What Happened?" I don't mind that question. People are just naturally curious. So, I explain to them the swimming accident and the injury to the best of my knowledge. Explaining to them though that the injury is complete is sometimes hard for them to swallow. When an injury is as severe (or I just refer to it as high) as LQ's is, it's hard for people to accept sometimes. When I tell people that his hands are completely paralyzed and his triceps are completely paralyzed as well. I usually need to explain things in pretty basic terms. They understand that his hands are paralyzed. However, I usually need to explain that he cannot straighten his arms through his own will. It's all gravity that takes care of that. He cannot lift his arms above his head, his triceps would control that. So, it's usually when people hear these things that you begin to hear the "Oh my, I'm so sorry".
But what really brought this on was reading a story on a Facebook group. It is a support group for Wives and Girlfriends of Men with SCI. Even though I am a Dev, going to this group really helps because there are many questions and situations that these women have been in that I have not been in yet and that they know a lot more about. I was reading though about a woman whose husband recovered from his SCI after 10 years and is now walking and no longer needs his wheelchair and hospital bed. This has made me really think. When I started to tell my friends and co workers about LQ and I, I told them he was a quadriplegic. And of course, people always ask the question, "Will he ever recover?"
Well, recover is a loaded word. Recover in the physical sense? Well, what physical sense? Will his spinal cord heal on its own? No, it won't. He has been a complete quadriplegic for 11 years, there isn't going to be a magical cure all the sudden. But has he recovered physically to the point that he is able to not only function but thrive in society? Yes, he totally has. Sometimes I feel like he is able to function better in society than I can. He sometimes has more of a will to function in society than I do. Of course he has pretty much recovered in the mental and emotional sense. Of course, there are always going to be days that people struggle. We all have them. But after becoming a high level quad at 14, I would say that LQ has recovered pretty well now that he is going to be graduating from Law School in a few months.
It is really important for people to realize that not every person with a spinal cord injury can make these miraculous recoveries that the media likes to discuss. The media always likes to add in "feel good stories" or "disabled porn". These are the things that people want to hear and read. People don't want to hear that the injuries won't change, that people won't make a recovery. And it is frustrating to hear people ask that all the time. Especially when the person is well adjusted. Understand that the adjustment isn't always an easy one. It takes a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fighting to get back to the new normal. It's important to keep pushing forward, not trying to change the unchangeable.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Service Dog Life
So, I just returned from my latest visit with LegalQuad. It was absolutely wonderful. It was his birthday and I just needed to be there with him. It is the first time that we have been together since before Thanksgiving and a lot has been going on. I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, however we got into an argument just before I was supposed to go, and I made the decision that I was too frustrated to go. However, I kicked myself for two weeks because of it. It was a hard decision. But it was one that I needed to make.
Back to this weekend though. I left Friday after work. After 3 1/2 hours on the bus and a 10 minute cab ride, I was there. Finally <3
After letting him know I was downstairs waiting for him, He came and greeted me with Illi, his service dog in tow. This girl is too funny. She is a 75 lb golden retriever, and she things that she is a lap dog. When she sees someone that she knows, she is all over them like white on rice. This includes me now LOL. Well, we get up to his apartment and Illi wasn't having it that he and I wanted to cuddle and kiss. She kept jumping up on both of us, licking us and squeaking. Finally she settled down a little, we had some us time, and then went out into the living room to watch TV. Well, while we were watching TV Illi decided to have some fun with my fleece coat and ate a huge hole in the middle of it. I'm not sure if this is out of excitement that she does this to my sweaters and hoodies, or out of jealousy. But, it's the second time she's done this now. Oh well, could be worse I guess.
I said right away on Saturday though that I wanted to do this blog post. Because even though we went to the State Fair together and he had Illi with him, Saturday was really the first time that we had been out together since we started dating. Of course, Illi came with us. She was well behaved as usual, but it was really eye opening what it's like to be out with a service dog. We took the bus to a large local mall. I was on the bus with them before, and Illi was well behaved. Saturday though, she just couldn't get herself in a good position. She was trying really hard to get herself into a small spot, but she just couldn't get herself in there. So, she ended up laying in the middle of an aisle. Not exactly the ideal spot for a 75 lb dog. I ultimately needed to take her and hold her over by me to get her out of the way. I didn't mind doing this, and she didn't mind, but in a way I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries because she is his Service Dog. But, it worked out in the end.
While in the mall, you would have honestly thought that Illi was on display. I didn't fully mind really. Of course kids are going to see a dog and freak out and squeal about seeing a "doggy" or "puppy". What got to me though, were all the people that kept pointing out Illi. Both to their kids and to other adults. Yes, it's a dog. Please don't keep acting like you have never seen a dog before. You see her attached to LegalQuad's chair, you see her red vest with patches, because people kept making comments about her being a service dogs. And honestly, by the end of the day I was really frustrated and really wanted to yell at people about it. Because I don't know if it's just a lack of knowledge or straight ignorance for the fact that she is a working dog. I did hear some parents educating their children, telling them that they aren't supposed to touch the doggy because it's working and helping. Those are the people I love to hear. Because it's so important for people to be educated on service dogs. Even while we were out to dinner, a server (who wasn't ours) kept coming around and commenting on Illi. It was really that that set me off. Because everyone else in the restaurant was great. They moved a second chair even so that Illi had extra room to lay under the table out of the way. I was really impressed with how the restaurant handled Illi. Luckily, we did't run into any access problems. Just with the public that doesn't know the proper etiquette for people with service dogs.
I don't know if people in the regular "disability world" consider public speaking about disabilities as "disability porn" like I hear and read in Dev/PWD forums, but I would never object to Legalquad doing this someday. And maybe it's because I work with students with disabilities, and even though they have different disabilities than LQ does, I still see the way so many of them look at my aunt, who is a teacher in the same building, who has been in a wheelchair since she was 15, and they just have a different level of respect for her. Truthfully, I really do believe that LQ has so much to offer knowledge wise, and educating people is the best way to change the way that people treat persons with disabilities. I have digressed here. But it may be another post somewhere down the line.
Illi is a very lucky dog. She is well loved, well taken care of, and quite the princess. She is also a very hard working dog, and does her tasks well. I know that I am thankful for her, and she's not even mine :)
Miss Thing herself.
My man and his girl.
Back to this weekend though. I left Friday after work. After 3 1/2 hours on the bus and a 10 minute cab ride, I was there. Finally <3
After letting him know I was downstairs waiting for him, He came and greeted me with Illi, his service dog in tow. This girl is too funny. She is a 75 lb golden retriever, and she things that she is a lap dog. When she sees someone that she knows, she is all over them like white on rice. This includes me now LOL. Well, we get up to his apartment and Illi wasn't having it that he and I wanted to cuddle and kiss. She kept jumping up on both of us, licking us and squeaking. Finally she settled down a little, we had some us time, and then went out into the living room to watch TV. Well, while we were watching TV Illi decided to have some fun with my fleece coat and ate a huge hole in the middle of it. I'm not sure if this is out of excitement that she does this to my sweaters and hoodies, or out of jealousy. But, it's the second time she's done this now. Oh well, could be worse I guess.
I said right away on Saturday though that I wanted to do this blog post. Because even though we went to the State Fair together and he had Illi with him, Saturday was really the first time that we had been out together since we started dating. Of course, Illi came with us. She was well behaved as usual, but it was really eye opening what it's like to be out with a service dog. We took the bus to a large local mall. I was on the bus with them before, and Illi was well behaved. Saturday though, she just couldn't get herself in a good position. She was trying really hard to get herself into a small spot, but she just couldn't get herself in there. So, she ended up laying in the middle of an aisle. Not exactly the ideal spot for a 75 lb dog. I ultimately needed to take her and hold her over by me to get her out of the way. I didn't mind doing this, and she didn't mind, but in a way I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries because she is his Service Dog. But, it worked out in the end.
While in the mall, you would have honestly thought that Illi was on display. I didn't fully mind really. Of course kids are going to see a dog and freak out and squeal about seeing a "doggy" or "puppy". What got to me though, were all the people that kept pointing out Illi. Both to their kids and to other adults. Yes, it's a dog. Please don't keep acting like you have never seen a dog before. You see her attached to LegalQuad's chair, you see her red vest with patches, because people kept making comments about her being a service dogs. And honestly, by the end of the day I was really frustrated and really wanted to yell at people about it. Because I don't know if it's just a lack of knowledge or straight ignorance for the fact that she is a working dog. I did hear some parents educating their children, telling them that they aren't supposed to touch the doggy because it's working and helping. Those are the people I love to hear. Because it's so important for people to be educated on service dogs. Even while we were out to dinner, a server (who wasn't ours) kept coming around and commenting on Illi. It was really that that set me off. Because everyone else in the restaurant was great. They moved a second chair even so that Illi had extra room to lay under the table out of the way. I was really impressed with how the restaurant handled Illi. Luckily, we did't run into any access problems. Just with the public that doesn't know the proper etiquette for people with service dogs.
I don't know if people in the regular "disability world" consider public speaking about disabilities as "disability porn" like I hear and read in Dev/PWD forums, but I would never object to Legalquad doing this someday. And maybe it's because I work with students with disabilities, and even though they have different disabilities than LQ does, I still see the way so many of them look at my aunt, who is a teacher in the same building, who has been in a wheelchair since she was 15, and they just have a different level of respect for her. Truthfully, I really do believe that LQ has so much to offer knowledge wise, and educating people is the best way to change the way that people treat persons with disabilities. I have digressed here. But it may be another post somewhere down the line.
Illi is a very lucky dog. She is well loved, well taken care of, and quite the princess. She is also a very hard working dog, and does her tasks well. I know that I am thankful for her, and she's not even mine :)
Miss Thing herself.
My man and his girl.
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