The Ten Things I've Learned From Dating a Quadriplegic

As I travel back home from an ever glorious weekend with my boyfriend, I can’t help but think about what I have learned over the last 7 months in this relationship.  This relationship has not been easy by any means.  While we live 2 ½ hours away from each other now, his home is actually 6 hours away.  Breaks, vacations, and holidays are spent 6 hours away, and I am reminded again what a real long distance relationship feels like.  But there are so many things that I have learned though. 

1.        Patience is a Virtue. 

Each and every day that we are together, I remember this.  Because very little of what we do can be done at the drop of a hat.  Whether that be eating, going out, or going to bed, it just doesn’t happen quickly or spontaneously.  Yes, some of this stuff we consider to be spontaneous, however, they may be a 20 minute ordeal.  But that’s ok, because we get to do it all in the long run.  And the more we do things, the quicker I get at them.  This trip, for the first time, I was using a different hoyer lift system to transfer him from his chair to the bed and back.  Learning something new, scared the crap out of me.  But, we did it.  And I mean we, because it took him walking me through things and being patient with me as I learned how to do it without hurting him or dropping him (which is one of my biggest fears). 

2.        Learn to Trust Yourself

Getting into any relationship is taking a big leap of faith.  Getting into a long distance relationship with a Quadriplegic, an even bigger leap of faith.  And I needed to learn to trust myself and my abilities, because he counts on me for things.  The first time I went to spend the weekend with him, I had a freak out after I left.  Because I wasn’t sure I could emotionally handle the physical hands-on needs.  But I took a step back and looked at myself.  And we talked it through.  One of the things that helped me the most was learning how to help my boyfriend by one of his aides.  She taught me a lot of the ropes, from transferring him in and out of bed to range of motion stretches in the mornings, right down to how to change his leg bag/night bag and even how to manage his bowl program.  And I have begun to develop a trust in myself to be able to do this.  It has not been easy.  And I still worry about doing certain things, but I know that I could do it if I need to.  Being able to trust myself lowered my anxiety in the relationship, and it honestly helped us to be more open about things. 

3.        Communication is KEY!

The last two things that I have listed are nothing compared to this one here.  He and I have really learned that we need to talk about everything.  We have talked about everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We know each other’s fears and concerns and what really pleasures each of us.  One of my biggest fears has been that I have not pleasured him enough, because I am pretty limited in the physical pleasure department with him.  But we talked it through, and his pleasure comes from pleasuring me.  But it’s not something that I would have known otherwise.  Because up until we talked about it, and until this weekend, I was terrified that I wasn’t satisfying him enough.  I learned though that I really am satisfying him, and he does me.  We discuss so many different things and I could do an entire post just on that.  We discuss at length our comfort levels with each other doing things, and especially me doing things for him.  He is worried about me becoming overloaded and resentful, which is understandable for him.  But we talk a lot about this to be sure that I am alright doing things, which I am. 

4.        It’s Not All About The Penetrating Sex!

Yes, as a complete quadriplegic, my boyfriend cannot get a hard on.  Possibly with pills he could, but without them, it’s just not happening.  Honestly, right now he is actually suffering from Penile Retraction also.  This makes it where his penis likes to hide in plain terms.  It goes back in on itself, almost like it’s in a protective stance.  No matter how much I play with it, it does not come out.  But as I tell him, it’s OK.  Because it’s not about the sex.  He can pleasure me in other sexual ways, and he certainly does.  I have done a lot of research, looking for new and better ways to pleasure him.  And he appreciates everything that I try. 

5.        Being Creative is Important

This in a way goes back to number 4.  I have learned to be creative in my ways of both pleasuring and multitasking.  While we, at the moment, cannot have penetrating sex, I had an idea of giving him a back and shoulder massage while he was on his stomach in bed.  This was not an easy feat by any means.  Because I thought through how to roll him onto his stomach, but not how I was going to roll him back over again.  And I kind of freaked out trying to not completely lose it.  But we got through it.  And he really enjoyed not only the massage, but the fact that I was looking for more creative things to try to please him as best I could.  The same can be said about how we spent this weekend, with me finding new ways of cuddling because his bed was in a different position.  We have learned creative tactics. 

6.        Service Dogs ROCK!

So, my girl Illi needs to get a shout-out here.  I love this dog, and I have learned a lot about service dog etiquette in the process.  I was not new to the disability world when we started dating, but a service dog was not something that I had ever really encountered.  I have a friend who has trained her own service dog, but it was a different type of service dog.  Miss Illi though, she is really awesome.  And of course we have people staring at us all day when we take her out, but what person wouldn’t do a double take when they see an 85 lb Golden Retriever walking around the mall?  I personally have a little more of a relaxed view on how people approach others about service animals.  However, I hate that they just do “drive-by pettings” when they walk by and just touch her, even if they are asked/told not to.  It is a huge pet peeve of mine actually.  However, Illi does play an important role in my boyfriend’s life, which is important to me. 

7.        Things Will Happen That Are Out Of My Control

This is a hard lesson for me to learn.  Because I want to help and stop everything that can be harmful or hurtful.  It’s just my nature.  But I can’t, I’m still only human.  And I hate that!  Where my boyfriend’s injury is, he gets what is called Autonomic Dysreflexia.  In other words, it’s a warning system that something in his body below his level of injury is uncomfortable.  It doesn’t necessarily need to be a pain signal that is causing it, it can be something as simple as a wrinkle in his pants or something as severe as his catheter is clogged.  However, it leaves him with high blood pressure which can be potentially serious.  And it kills me deep inside when he goes through that.  Because I know how dangerous of a situation it can be.  And it honestly scares the crap out of me.  But, I also need to and have started to realize that there are things that happen that are not in my control, and they can never be.  When we are together, there are things that I can do to try to alleviate the discomfort, but I am not in control of it all.  These are just natural warning systems that his body has.  And being with a quad, AD is GOING TO HAPPEN, NO MATTER WHAT! 

8.        Aides: You Can’t Live With Them, You Can’t Live Without Them.

The first weekend that we spent together, I met his one aide.  I was only there Saturday to Sunday, and we only spent the one night together.  But I really liked this aide.  So, the next time I went to see him, I was there Friday night to Sunday.  Friday night I met a different aide who just wasn’t 100% sure about me and me being there, which I understand.  But I have said my peace to my boyfriend about his aides, LOL.  While he has a couple that are really good, they all seem to have time management problems that hinder on him going to bed.  And when I’m there, on me being able to go to bed as well.  And when I don’t sleep, I am not a pleasant person, LOL.  Anyone who knows me can attest to that.  However, after getting him into bed this weekend because we did not know if one of his aides was going to show up, I can say that I really appreciate them and what they do for him.  His aides are pretty easy going with me around even, which I really appreciate.  And the one even helped me learn how to care for him if we need to, which will always be helpful in the long run.  So really, you can’t live with them, but we certainly can’t live without them. 

9.        There Will Always Be A Learning Curve

As we get older, we think that we know so much and everything.  It’s all part of growing up.  Especially when you are in your 20’s and trying to live your own life.  However, this life that I am moving into is one that is more difficult than the one that I’m coming from.  It comes with more medical things, more steps, and more planning.  However, I am learning through all of it.  I am learning about myself.  I am learning about him.  I am learning helpful information about what a real relationship is, and what it’s like to have someone love me.  I am not going to learn everything overnight about him and how to take care of him and how to love him best.  But the point is is that I’m learning.  I am learning every day.  At least once every two days I am looking online for new information on how to make our relationship the best that it can be.  I spend a lot of time asking him questions that only he can answer.  Because that’s how I’m going to learn.  And he is a great teacher about not only the physical parts of his disability, but the emotional parts as well.  I have learned his vulnerabilities, his worries, and what makes him feel better.  And I have learned that we both need a lot of reassurance LOL. 

10.    Lastly, This Is Just A Normal Relationship In Many Ways

We are both pretty fresh into relationships again.  I was never one to really date a lot, and neither was he, both of us for various reasons.  We came into this relationship with our worries and concerns, but our excitement and pleasure as well.  When we met for the first time, I was ecstatic, and just couldn’t control my excitement, worry, and giddiness LOL.  While we face different challenges that a lot of couples face, they are not any more difficult than what others face, because you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.  We have the good, the bad, and the ugly in this relationship.  But I love him to pieces and cry so hard every time we have to leave.  And to me, that is what true love really is.  I don’t love him despite his wheelchair and paralysis, it is just another reason that I love him.  I don’t ignore the disability, I embrace it.  I take joy in the things that we can do and I don’t focus on the things that we can’t.  Because that’s what a relationship is all about.  We do a lot of give and take, and there are definitely times that I feel like I am giving more physically than what I am taking.  However, I know that emotionally he is giving a lot as well.  We face challenges, but we get through them, with a smile on our faces and love in the end <3