Being a Devotee, I often feel very isolated when it comes to my relationship. Not with my boyfriend, but when it comes to supports that many other wives and girlfriends receive. Even though I am a dev and I chose and honestly prefer a relationship with a PWD, it doesn't mean that I don't deserve the support still. My boyfriend goes through the same struggles as the other spouses with spinal cord injuries go through. This is one of the struggles of the distance as well. I'm not there when things come up. I'm not there to learn how to handle situations. And it makes being a SCI girlfriend difficult. Because I can't give support and I feel like I don't deserve support.
For a period of time after LegalQuad and I started dating, I was a member of Apparalyzed. For those who don't know what that site is, it's a site for those with SCI and they have places for spouses and carers. It is supposed to be a place of support. However, because I was new to this world and didn't fit exactly like other spouses and loved ones, I was assumed to be a dev, which left me as a target on that site. While I still may log in to check on certain subjects, I have learned to not add in my two cents. Several months ago, after months of reading an online blog by a woman who's husband is a C4 complete quadriplegic, I decided that I was going to try a different support group on Facebook. All the women in this group are incredibly nice. They have so much knowledge about topics that come up in the world of spinal cord injuries. And they really are accepting. However, after a question the other day in the group asked if wives and girlfriends met their spouses before or after their injury, I realized that I'm still the minority. Not because of being a dev, but because I met LQ so long after his injury. Most of these women have been with their spouses through every step of their injury. I see these women grieving and supporting each other through that. I seem them talk about their experiences and their feelings, and I still feel like an outsider. These women live the SCI life all day, every day. They had no choice in the matter. They have lost so much and have pushed through it. Their strength is amazing.
But I'm not that person. I haven't been there through everything. Hell, I'm still not there for most of it. A few weeks ago, I went to an out of town wedding with LQ and his parents. It was truthfully the first time I have really experienced the difficulties of the SCI life. Not that we hadn't before. There were weekends that we spent together when his aide didn't show up on time or that I needed to get him up or start putting him to bed. But that weekend really put the difficulties into perspective. But it's not something that I would trade. The arguing among his parents I would have, but I would have liked to have learned how to problem solve some of the issues that we had. Because when it comes down to it, those are situations that we will run into down the road together, and I need to be able to come up with solutions also.
I feel isolated amongst so many groups. I'm a dev, but I'm still a fairly new dev. I've only known that I'm a dev for a year and a half. I'm still new to the SCI life. I've only been with LQ for a little over a year. I have so much more learning to do. And I still need support. Because when situations come up in the SCI world, you don't just know. But it's nice to have someone to talk to about it. And honestly, I just feel like I don't. I don't know what kind of support I'm even looking for anymore. I don't know if I'm looking for Dev support or other SCI spouse support. But I'm lost right now because I don't know where I belong.
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