So, it has been a while since I have blogged. I have been suffering from pretty bad depression lately. A little known fact about me is that I suffer from Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 19. So, 6 years later, I'm doing pretty well and have learned how to cope much better than I was when I first started college. But when things flare up, I isolate myself. But I have been sitting around, reading a lot of posts on Facebook and message boards for Dev and PWD.
A post that has been around for a while caught my attention again. It is a discussion for those who have gone from a fantasy dev to a reality dev. I am obviously now a reality dev. Being in a long distance relationship with a C5 quad is an amazing feeling for me. I am truly in love, and can't wait until we can close the distance. Things have been a struggle lately, especially with the distance being double what it was in July. But we are making it work. We have to. But it is a struggle. We Skype as often as we can, but some weeks even that is sparse.
I had never heard of Devs/Devotees until a couple years ago. I was a huge fan of Covert Affairs and was completely attracted to Auggie Anderson, a character on the show. For those who don't know, the character was an injured vet who was blinded in Iraq. I was totally turned on by him being blind. So, I had gotten a Kindle and began reading books with disabled characters. Some were blind, others were paralyzed. But to me, they were so attractive. I just wanted to keep reading and keep fantasizing about it. At this point I was an unknowing fantasy dev. I had written a story many years ago, when I first began to have "Dev Feelings" about a high school boy who suffered a spinal cord injury that left him a paraplegic. I had joined message boards on AOL and Yahoo, trying to learn everything that I could about spinal cord injuries. They intrigued me beyond belief. And when I saw pictures of boys/men with spinal cord injuries, I would get really excited. I struggled with these feelings for years, because they weren't "normal" and when my family learned about these feelings, they were not happy with me.
So, really, for me, everything was always fantasy until I could make it a reality. And it was difficult. I was so excited to find a community that was like me. Because for most of my life I thought that I was the only person out there who had these feelings, and my family thought that I was crazy for them. I had been in a few relationships before my current one. They were all able bodied men. However, I was always still looking for that perfect guy. None of them to me was perfect. None of them were really sexually attractive to me. My first two boyfriends were really more just the excitement of a guy asking me out. They didn't last more than a month each, and there was a year in between them. Then, my senior year of high school came, and I dated a guy for a few months. He still wasn't right for me though.
It amazes me now, looking back on my life in high school and college how unhappy I was because I was lying to myself. I wanted what was considered a "normal" relationship because that's what I was told that I should have. But I was not truly happy because I could not be myself. Now that I'm myself though, I'm really happy with life. Because I'm finally in a relationship that feels right to me.
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