When You Aren't Physically There

So, I have learned a lot over the last few months about how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship as well as how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone with a physical disability.  One of those difficulties is not being able to physically be there when something is wrong.  Or, even not knowing that something is wrong.  Yes, there are usually warning signs of some sort.  However, you never truly know if something is wrong if you aren't told.  And when your main form of communication is through texting, trying to find out if something is wrong isn't always the easiest. 

One thing that I have not experienced with legalquad yet is an Autonomic Dysreflexia episode.  AD is a fairly common occurrence among persons with higher levels of spinal cord injuries.  It is scary though, and can be potentially life threatening.  If left untreated or the cause is not determined, it can ultimately result in death from high blood pressure, so it is not something to joke around with.  It is honestly what scares me the most of anything.  And believe you me, Legalquad and I have had many conversations about it and my worry.  

Even though I have no witnessed an AD episode, I have talked to him just before and just after a couple of them.  And truthfully, they just scare me.  But I need to know about them also.  For me, it is an important aspect of our relationship and the distance to know these things.  Even though it kills me to know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help him. And maybe it is my over-sensitivity to the AD episodes that has made it where he didn't want to tell me about these episodes.  He had an episode today that was apparently quite severe.  And I didn't know.  I knew that something wasn't right today, but I didn't know what.  He just wasn't talking to me this morning/afternoon.  I didn't know why.  Honestly, the selfish part of me thought that he was angry with me because I went to bed last night without Skyping.  OK, maybe the more paranoid part of me.  But it's part of why communication is so much of a key factor.  Because I don't know these things.  I'm glad that he is OK though.  Even though he opted to try to protect me from it all, in fear of scaring me away, I'm just upset about the way he went about it.  

And of course I'm upset about the fact that I can't physically be there for him either.  It is the part of the ldr that breaks me the most.  Because we both have times where we just need each other, and I can't do anything about it.  But it breaks my heart when he tries so hard to protect me from it also.  

Introduction-legalquad

Sorry for the late post. As the lovely Quadlover  mentioned before I am a C-5 quadriplegic  injured at the end of August 2004, and I am currently a law student in my  third and  final year at the local law school. In my career I plan on working in public interest law with a particular focus in disability law.

In addition I have a strong interest in  sports, particular my favorite two baseball and football. I am a big Yankees and Giants fan with an intense passion for each of the teams.I also enjoy playing NCAA football on ps2 (old fashioned I know) and civilization v on my Mac.

The other girl in my life is my four year old golden retriever service dog.She helps me with stuff like opening doors,lights, and being my de facto doorbell lol.

Finding out about devotees and finding Quadlover in particular has been a revelation of sorts.I always   thought I would be in relationships with women who loved me DESPITE my disability and never really imagined it being an attraction factor.However unbeknownst to me a whole community of men and women exist who value and even prefer relationships with PWDs (People with disabilities) ! 😁
This has been an amazing eye opener to me although sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to do spontaneous things that boyfriends typically do and it is frustrating at times,but overall I think we have a good thing going here.😄 Feel free to ask me any questions or post comments belong. Just don't be an asshat.

Give and Take

So, 2 posts in 1 day.  How lucky for everyone.  This is part of my re-grouping.  I need to post to let things out before I burst from all the pent up thoughts and everything.  4 months, it's not a long time for a relationship, at least not in the grand scheme of things.  But for me, it's the longest relationship I have ever been in, especially since I was diagnosed with bipolar II and borderline personality disorder.  It hasn't been the easiest for me to have a normal, semi-healthy relationship, and most people I have met haven't really known or wanted to know how to handle the meltdowns and crap that come with mental illness and me.  So, really I had given up on relationships and people understanding what it's like trying to date a girl with mental illnesses.  

Now, insert new found Devness.  I went looking to fulfill that feeling that I had had for so long.  And along came my boyfriend.  We talked online for a couple of months before meeting in person, and after meeting in person I knew that he was the one for me.  What our relationship consists a lot of though is give and take.  And honestly, I do feel like it is me giving a lot.  And for good reason I know.  I know that physically he could not come here and spend the night.  He can't just jump on any Greyhound bus and come to me.  He can't just get any hotel room.  Most things in life for him cannot be spontaneous.  And really, for the most part, I am OK with that.  Key phrase there though is "for the most part".  Then there are days like today.  I will be visiting him in a couple of weeks.  We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months.  It will be over 2 months by the time that we do.  After that visit I will be back 2 weeks after that for his birthday.  Which, I don't mind.  But the selfish part of me got thinking about it all.  The amount that I give.  And how sometimes it's just not fair.  Because I know that unless he is still in his apartment in May, and I make the plans, I won't see him for my birthday.  And in a way, he's OK with that.  But am I?  I truthfully don't know.  Because there just has to be some way.  It is all part of that give in take.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing a lot more of the giving than the taking.  Even though I know that he has to deal with the emotional parts of me.  But that is a two way street also.  It is a very tough call.  Because it is something that you just need to deal with when you are dating someone with a high level spinal cord injury.  It is part of the life that no one really prepares you for.  It is part of the hoops that you need to jump through to stay a couple, and persevere through to make it to the other side when you can actually be together.  But on this night, with these thoughts, this give and take kinda sucks.  

Difficult Few Weeks

This has been an incredibly difficult couple of weeks for Legalquad and I.  He has decided that he doesn't want to do this blog.  It is difficult for him when it comes to writing.  He has no voluntary use of his hands.  Because he is a C5 quad, the only functional movement he has in his arms are his shoulders and biceps.  He cannot feel the outside of his arms at all, can feel his biceps and just below a little.  So, when it comes to typing, it is not exactly doable.  He does use Dragon dictation.  That is how he has done his work for school all these years.  For everything else, he usually uses his iPad and iPhone.  Apple is very much accessibility friendly.  So, for him to try to do this blog, it was just taking too much time that he doesn't really have/didn't really feel like investing in this.  So, we have a Tumblr blog also that he more or less will run.  

Things have been difficult between us.  Obviously since he is home, he is spending time with his family, which is great.  But, I am honestly a little jealous.  I'll get over it.  But it is taking a toll on our relationship.  We haven't seen each other in 2 months, and that is killing me.  We will celebrate Christmas together in a couple weeks.  A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to try to be nice and buy him new wrist braces.  He wears them all the time and prefers to have stiff wrists instead of floppy wrists.  Well, the velcro that were on his braces were giving out and the braces were virtually useless.  So, I order braces online that I thought were the same as what he had.  They weren't.  And these ones have latex in them.  Guess who's allergic to latex?  If you guessed Legalquad, you're right.  So, this caused him to break out and one of the hives opened up, so now he has a small open sore on his arm from me.  I was a mess.  I just kept saying that I broke my boyfriend.  I felt (and still feel) incredibly guilty.  That guilt is just eating me alive.  I ordered new (and correct) ones this time, and he should have them Tuesday when he gets to school.  It will make me feel better once he is using those instead of the ones that have latex.  His dad was angry about it, and his mom was concerned of course.  And watching all of them flipping out didn't help how I felt about everything.  And honestly, I just keep replaying that night in my head.  

I feel just very distant from everyone right now.  I know that it's me.  But I just feel like I'm at a loss lately.  This time of year is hard for me.  And that is part of the problem.  I get on Skype and barely talk, because of the depression.  And I just feel so guilty about everything.  I just feel very alone, and the distance between us (physical distance) isn't helping at all.