Give and Take

So, 2 posts in 1 day.  How lucky for everyone.  This is part of my re-grouping.  I need to post to let things out before I burst from all the pent up thoughts and everything.  4 months, it's not a long time for a relationship, at least not in the grand scheme of things.  But for me, it's the longest relationship I have ever been in, especially since I was diagnosed with bipolar II and borderline personality disorder.  It hasn't been the easiest for me to have a normal, semi-healthy relationship, and most people I have met haven't really known or wanted to know how to handle the meltdowns and crap that come with mental illness and me.  So, really I had given up on relationships and people understanding what it's like trying to date a girl with mental illnesses.  

Now, insert new found Devness.  I went looking to fulfill that feeling that I had had for so long.  And along came my boyfriend.  We talked online for a couple of months before meeting in person, and after meeting in person I knew that he was the one for me.  What our relationship consists a lot of though is give and take.  And honestly, I do feel like it is me giving a lot.  And for good reason I know.  I know that physically he could not come here and spend the night.  He can't just jump on any Greyhound bus and come to me.  He can't just get any hotel room.  Most things in life for him cannot be spontaneous.  And really, for the most part, I am OK with that.  Key phrase there though is "for the most part".  Then there are days like today.  I will be visiting him in a couple of weeks.  We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months.  It will be over 2 months by the time that we do.  After that visit I will be back 2 weeks after that for his birthday.  Which, I don't mind.  But the selfish part of me got thinking about it all.  The amount that I give.  And how sometimes it's just not fair.  Because I know that unless he is still in his apartment in May, and I make the plans, I won't see him for my birthday.  And in a way, he's OK with that.  But am I?  I truthfully don't know.  Because there just has to be some way.  It is all part of that give in take.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing a lot more of the giving than the taking.  Even though I know that he has to deal with the emotional parts of me.  But that is a two way street also.  It is a very tough call.  Because it is something that you just need to deal with when you are dating someone with a high level spinal cord injury.  It is part of the life that no one really prepares you for.  It is part of the hoops that you need to jump through to stay a couple, and persevere through to make it to the other side when you can actually be together.  But on this night, with these thoughts, this give and take kinda sucks.