Service Dog Life

So, I just returned from my latest visit with LegalQuad.  It was absolutely wonderful.  It was his birthday and I just needed to be there with him.  It is the first time that we have been together since before Thanksgiving and a lot has been going on.  I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, however we got into an argument just before I was supposed to go, and I made the decision that I was too frustrated to go.  However, I kicked myself for two weeks because of it.  It was a hard decision.  But it was one that I needed to make.

Back to this weekend though.  I left Friday after work.  After 3 1/2 hours on the bus and a 10 minute cab ride, I was there.  Finally <3

After letting him know I was downstairs waiting for him, He came and greeted me with Illi, his service dog in tow.  This girl is too funny.  She is a 75 lb golden retriever, and she things that she is a lap dog.  When she sees someone that she knows, she is all over them like white on rice.  This includes me now LOL.  Well, we get up to his apartment and Illi wasn't having it that he and I wanted to cuddle and kiss.  She kept jumping up on both of us, licking us and squeaking.  Finally she settled down a little, we had some us time, and then went out into the living room to watch TV.  Well, while we were watching TV Illi decided to have some fun with my fleece coat and ate a huge hole in the middle of it.  I'm not sure if this is out of excitement that she does this to my sweaters and hoodies, or out of jealousy.  But, it's the second time she's done this now.  Oh well, could be worse I guess.

I said right away on Saturday though that I wanted to do this blog post.  Because even though we went to the State Fair together and he had Illi with him, Saturday was really the first time that we had been out together since we started dating.  Of course, Illi came with us.  She was well behaved as usual, but it was really eye opening what it's like to be out with a service dog.  We took the bus to a large local mall.  I was on the bus with them before, and Illi was well behaved.  Saturday though, she just couldn't get herself in a good position.  She was trying really hard to get herself into a small spot, but she just couldn't get herself in there.  So, she ended up laying in the middle of an aisle.  Not exactly the ideal spot for a 75 lb dog.  I ultimately needed to take her and hold her over by me to get her out of the way.  I didn't mind doing this, and she didn't mind, but in a way I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries because she is his Service Dog.  But, it worked out in the end.

While in the mall, you would have honestly thought that Illi was on display.  I didn't fully mind really.  Of course kids are going to see a dog and freak out and squeal about seeing a "doggy" or "puppy".  What got to me though, were all the people that kept pointing out Illi.  Both to their kids and to other adults.  Yes, it's a dog.  Please don't keep acting like you have never seen a dog before.  You see her attached to LegalQuad's chair, you see her red vest with patches, because people kept making comments about her being a service dogs.  And honestly, by the end of the day I was really frustrated and really wanted to yell at people about it.  Because I don't know if it's just a lack of knowledge or straight ignorance for the fact that she is a working dog.  I did hear some parents educating their children, telling them that they aren't supposed to touch the doggy because it's working and helping.  Those are the people I love to hear.  Because it's so important for people to be educated on service dogs.  Even while we were out to dinner, a server (who wasn't ours) kept coming around and commenting on Illi.  It was really that that set me off.  Because everyone else in the restaurant was great.  They moved a second chair even so that Illi had extra room to lay under the table out of the way.  I was really impressed with how the restaurant handled Illi.  Luckily, we did't run into any access problems.  Just with the public that doesn't know the proper etiquette for people with service dogs.

I don't know if people in the regular "disability world" consider public speaking about disabilities as "disability porn" like I hear and read in Dev/PWD forums, but I would never object to Legalquad doing this someday.  And maybe it's because I work with students with disabilities, and even though they have different disabilities than LQ does, I still see the way so many of them look at my aunt, who is a teacher in the same building, who has been in a wheelchair since she was 15, and they just have a different level of respect for her.  Truthfully, I really do believe that LQ has so much to offer knowledge wise, and educating people is the best way to change the way that people treat persons with disabilities.  I have digressed here.  But it may be another post somewhere down the line.

Illi is a very lucky dog.  She is well loved, well taken care of, and quite the princess.  She is also a very hard working dog, and does her tasks well.  I know that I am thankful for her, and she's not even mine :)


Miss Thing herself.


My man and his girl.

When You Aren't Physically There

So, I have learned a lot over the last few months about how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship as well as how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone with a physical disability.  One of those difficulties is not being able to physically be there when something is wrong.  Or, even not knowing that something is wrong.  Yes, there are usually warning signs of some sort.  However, you never truly know if something is wrong if you aren't told.  And when your main form of communication is through texting, trying to find out if something is wrong isn't always the easiest. 

One thing that I have not experienced with legalquad yet is an Autonomic Dysreflexia episode.  AD is a fairly common occurrence among persons with higher levels of spinal cord injuries.  It is scary though, and can be potentially life threatening.  If left untreated or the cause is not determined, it can ultimately result in death from high blood pressure, so it is not something to joke around with.  It is honestly what scares me the most of anything.  And believe you me, Legalquad and I have had many conversations about it and my worry.  

Even though I have no witnessed an AD episode, I have talked to him just before and just after a couple of them.  And truthfully, they just scare me.  But I need to know about them also.  For me, it is an important aspect of our relationship and the distance to know these things.  Even though it kills me to know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help him. And maybe it is my over-sensitivity to the AD episodes that has made it where he didn't want to tell me about these episodes.  He had an episode today that was apparently quite severe.  And I didn't know.  I knew that something wasn't right today, but I didn't know what.  He just wasn't talking to me this morning/afternoon.  I didn't know why.  Honestly, the selfish part of me thought that he was angry with me because I went to bed last night without Skyping.  OK, maybe the more paranoid part of me.  But it's part of why communication is so much of a key factor.  Because I don't know these things.  I'm glad that he is OK though.  Even though he opted to try to protect me from it all, in fear of scaring me away, I'm just upset about the way he went about it.  

And of course I'm upset about the fact that I can't physically be there for him either.  It is the part of the ldr that breaks me the most.  Because we both have times where we just need each other, and I can't do anything about it.  But it breaks my heart when he tries so hard to protect me from it also.  

Introduction-legalquad

Sorry for the late post. As the lovely Quadlover  mentioned before I am a C-5 quadriplegic  injured at the end of August 2004, and I am currently a law student in my  third and  final year at the local law school. In my career I plan on working in public interest law with a particular focus in disability law.

In addition I have a strong interest in  sports, particular my favorite two baseball and football. I am a big Yankees and Giants fan with an intense passion for each of the teams.I also enjoy playing NCAA football on ps2 (old fashioned I know) and civilization v on my Mac.

The other girl in my life is my four year old golden retriever service dog.She helps me with stuff like opening doors,lights, and being my de facto doorbell lol.

Finding out about devotees and finding Quadlover in particular has been a revelation of sorts.I always   thought I would be in relationships with women who loved me DESPITE my disability and never really imagined it being an attraction factor.However unbeknownst to me a whole community of men and women exist who value and even prefer relationships with PWDs (People with disabilities) ! 😁
This has been an amazing eye opener to me although sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to do spontaneous things that boyfriends typically do and it is frustrating at times,but overall I think we have a good thing going here.😄 Feel free to ask me any questions or post comments belong. Just don't be an asshat.

Give and Take

So, 2 posts in 1 day.  How lucky for everyone.  This is part of my re-grouping.  I need to post to let things out before I burst from all the pent up thoughts and everything.  4 months, it's not a long time for a relationship, at least not in the grand scheme of things.  But for me, it's the longest relationship I have ever been in, especially since I was diagnosed with bipolar II and borderline personality disorder.  It hasn't been the easiest for me to have a normal, semi-healthy relationship, and most people I have met haven't really known or wanted to know how to handle the meltdowns and crap that come with mental illness and me.  So, really I had given up on relationships and people understanding what it's like trying to date a girl with mental illnesses.  

Now, insert new found Devness.  I went looking to fulfill that feeling that I had had for so long.  And along came my boyfriend.  We talked online for a couple of months before meeting in person, and after meeting in person I knew that he was the one for me.  What our relationship consists a lot of though is give and take.  And honestly, I do feel like it is me giving a lot.  And for good reason I know.  I know that physically he could not come here and spend the night.  He can't just jump on any Greyhound bus and come to me.  He can't just get any hotel room.  Most things in life for him cannot be spontaneous.  And really, for the most part, I am OK with that.  Key phrase there though is "for the most part".  Then there are days like today.  I will be visiting him in a couple of weeks.  We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months.  It will be over 2 months by the time that we do.  After that visit I will be back 2 weeks after that for his birthday.  Which, I don't mind.  But the selfish part of me got thinking about it all.  The amount that I give.  And how sometimes it's just not fair.  Because I know that unless he is still in his apartment in May, and I make the plans, I won't see him for my birthday.  And in a way, he's OK with that.  But am I?  I truthfully don't know.  Because there just has to be some way.  It is all part of that give in take.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing a lot more of the giving than the taking.  Even though I know that he has to deal with the emotional parts of me.  But that is a two way street also.  It is a very tough call.  Because it is something that you just need to deal with when you are dating someone with a high level spinal cord injury.  It is part of the life that no one really prepares you for.  It is part of the hoops that you need to jump through to stay a couple, and persevere through to make it to the other side when you can actually be together.  But on this night, with these thoughts, this give and take kinda sucks.  

Difficult Few Weeks

This has been an incredibly difficult couple of weeks for Legalquad and I.  He has decided that he doesn't want to do this blog.  It is difficult for him when it comes to writing.  He has no voluntary use of his hands.  Because he is a C5 quad, the only functional movement he has in his arms are his shoulders and biceps.  He cannot feel the outside of his arms at all, can feel his biceps and just below a little.  So, when it comes to typing, it is not exactly doable.  He does use Dragon dictation.  That is how he has done his work for school all these years.  For everything else, he usually uses his iPad and iPhone.  Apple is very much accessibility friendly.  So, for him to try to do this blog, it was just taking too much time that he doesn't really have/didn't really feel like investing in this.  So, we have a Tumblr blog also that he more or less will run.  

Things have been difficult between us.  Obviously since he is home, he is spending time with his family, which is great.  But, I am honestly a little jealous.  I'll get over it.  But it is taking a toll on our relationship.  We haven't seen each other in 2 months, and that is killing me.  We will celebrate Christmas together in a couple weeks.  A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to try to be nice and buy him new wrist braces.  He wears them all the time and prefers to have stiff wrists instead of floppy wrists.  Well, the velcro that were on his braces were giving out and the braces were virtually useless.  So, I order braces online that I thought were the same as what he had.  They weren't.  And these ones have latex in them.  Guess who's allergic to latex?  If you guessed Legalquad, you're right.  So, this caused him to break out and one of the hives opened up, so now he has a small open sore on his arm from me.  I was a mess.  I just kept saying that I broke my boyfriend.  I felt (and still feel) incredibly guilty.  That guilt is just eating me alive.  I ordered new (and correct) ones this time, and he should have them Tuesday when he gets to school.  It will make me feel better once he is using those instead of the ones that have latex.  His dad was angry about it, and his mom was concerned of course.  And watching all of them flipping out didn't help how I felt about everything.  And honestly, I just keep replaying that night in my head.  

I feel just very distant from everyone right now.  I know that it's me.  But I just feel like I'm at a loss lately.  This time of year is hard for me.  And that is part of the problem.  I get on Skype and barely talk, because of the depression.  And I just feel so guilty about everything.  I just feel very alone, and the distance between us (physical distance) isn't helping at all.  

The Distance

So, as the Christmas season draws to a close, and the year is quickly following, I have spent a lot of time reflecting.  The title of this post has a two-fold meaning.  

This year has been a crazy learning experience for me.  I went back to school in January for my Master's Degree, which took a serious toll on my emotional state.  At that time, I was working full time, working part time, and going to school part time.  I was miserable and seriously crashing from the stress of it all.  It took me nearly failing out of my Masters program to realize that I'm not superwoman, and I needed to cut back on my stressors.  So, in April I said goodbye to the Arena and my part time job.  

In late May I learned of the term Devotee, and an explanation of the feelings I have had for so many years.  June 1 I joined an online community that I can only describe as completely eye opening for me.  It gave me a place of belonging finally.  And they took me in, and I feel I have really grown as an individual.  There is an offshoot of the site, which is more of an adult site, and that is where I met my amazing LegalQuad.  And my life has not been the same since July 23.  After a little over a month, we met in person on September 5, and now I could not imagine my life without him.  

As I reflect on this, it brings up the distance that I have come over time.  There is currently a person who works at my university that is on paid administrative leave because of the way that she treats the students.  I had problems with her while I was there, and I signed a petition to have her removed.  It is no secret to most that I have had mental health problems in the past.  I still do, but the symptoms are much better than what they were.  She tried to throw me out of school because of these problems.  I look at my life then, and the mess that it was.  I was barely getting by, just barely holding the pieces of my life together.  Then I look at today.  I have a job, I am in school, and I have a wonderful boyfriend.  I have come such a long way from where I was.  The distance amazes me.  

Then there is the distance between my boyfriend and I.  When Legalquad is at school, we are about 150 miles apart.  That may not seem like a lot, but it is when you don't drive.  it's torture.  Well, right now, he's home, which is about 450 miles from me.  And I am struggling with this distance.  I am missing him constantly.  Because I just want to be with him.  Learning to manage a long distance relationship is one of the most difficult things that I've had to do.  But I wouldn't change the person that I'm with.  I might just change our distance situation.  

So, here is to an even better 2016, with the one that I love.  I can only hope that we continue to grow and get closer as time goes on.  

The Unexpected

I have not always known what a Devotee (Dev) is.  Honestly, it a pretty new term to me.  Have I always known that I was different?  Yes.  When I was a kid, probably around 11, I remember my curiosity being piqued about persons with disabilities.  I met a girl a bit older than me in a chat room on AOL (yes, we are going back in time a bit LOL).  She was a C6/C7 complete Quad.  We chatted about what it was like to be paralyzed, and I said things that I didn't necessarily mean, and it got me in trouble with my mom when she found out about it.  I was told I couldn't get online anymore, and when I was allowed back on, it was all monitored.

My curiosity never stopped though.  I joined Myspace groups about PWD.  I just wanted to learn and I was curious about it all.  However, it eventually went mildly dormant.  The feelings went away, probably from years of being told that I was wrong in my thoughts.  I learned to suppress them.

That was though, until Covert Affairs came on.  I had heard about the show, but had not watched it.  I was channel surfing though one day and watched part of.  I had to have more, I had to watch more Auggie.  For those that don't know, Auggie Anderson is a character on the show.  He was blinded in an explosion while serving in the Army in Special Ops.  Of course, Auggie's disability intrigued me.  So, when I got my Kindle the following year, I began reading books where the main character was disabled in some way.  This eventually led back to a main character that was paralyzed.  Damn, all those thoughts came rushing back.  However, what was really interesting was that not too long before all of this, the story about a woman who has Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID)  .BIID woman These people are also know as Pretenders, and are usually looked down upon in any community.  However, I learned through my own experience and from discussing with other Devs that it is a common thought among Devs to think that they have BIID before they find out about Devoteeism.  Through my reading though, I found out about Devs.  I actually read a book about a Dev, and that was how I figured out what was really going on in my head.  

I read about a website that was devoted to Devs and PWDs, and thought that I would explore it.  What could it hurt?  I didn't realize then that what I was finding was what I had been living in silence.  There were other people like me.  Some of them were "in the closet" like I am still.  My boyfriend obviously knows that I'm a Dev.  But other than that, no one that knows me personally knows that I'm a Dev.  Needless to say, it was not easy trying to explain to my family how I met a Quad online.  But that is a whole other story.  

Those people online on those websites have become like family.  They are the ones that I go to with questions and concerns, because they understand where I'm coming from.  Many have been in my position before.  I have gone on other websites for PWDs, looking for extra help and information and experience about being with a Quad.  There are so many questions that I don't even know how to ask that I have gone looking for information on.  And these people, without actually knowing that I am a Dev, are honestly just rude and sometimes nasty.  There are people in these online communities, however, that really understand.  And I really hope that through this Blog, it helps others out there that really need the support.  Eventually, at least on my end, this will become a little more intimate.  It will discuss things that are usually off-limits, that really need to be discussed.