Tonight is just my night full of worry. Every now and again my anxiety gets like this, and my brain just goes on massive overdrive. I have two dogs at home. One is my 16, almost 17 year old mutt. The other is my soon to be 9 year old beagle that we just got in November. My 16 year old has been having some neurological problems for a few years now in his back end and he also has a blocked gland on his tail. The gland has given us nothing but a problem lately, and it doesn't help that we have a purebred beagle that just sniffs and attacks blood at all costs. He chewed a hole in a pair of jeans that had blood on them. He can be such a nutcase LOL. Well, this sore on my 16 y/o dog's tail now has an ulcer on it and he is just so miserable lately. It is killing me because I know that his days are starting to become numbered. He is having a harder time getting up and down the stairs, he is falling more, and he is just not a fan of the beagle, so I don't think that is doing him any good. I'm so afraid that within the next month we are going to have to put him down because we have had him for 15, almost 16 years. More than half of my life. I know that he has had a good life, but he is still my baby, my puppy, my boy. I'm just really heartbroken over that right now.
I'm also worrying about my relationship with LegalQuad. He graduates in May with his law degree and takes the Bar exam in July. After that, I don't know what exactly is going to happen. The most likely situation though is that he is going to move back towards home, which instead of being 2 1/2 hours away from me, will make him 6 hours away from me. And it just makes me so sad to think that that will be the case. Because it won't be so easy to see each other. Skype dates are great, yeah. And we are lucky enough that right now we can Skype at least 4/5 days out of the week. But I know that things are going to be changing, and really soon in the grand scheme of things. And it really worries and upsets me. And of course I'm afraid to bring it up, BIG SURPRISE! The distance kills me already. I was there the last two weekends with him, and on the ride home Sunday, I cried probably 2 1/2 hours straight. I literally just couldn't stop. Because I wanted nothing more than to just be there and stay with him. Because with him, everything just seems right. Everything fits. We just fit together like two peas in a pod. I have finally reached a level of acceptance about him having aides around a good portion of the time, and his needs, especially in the morning and at night. I am very thankful for them, and he has some really great aides right now.
I just don't want to lose him because of distance. I don't graduate until May of 2017. And I will be student teaching that Spring. I know in my heart that it will all work out in the long run. But right now, I am just stressing over the unknown. And I can't even bare to verbalize it all. Because it's just so jumbled and unknown at this point. I know I shouldn't be worked up about this, because right now, I don't even know when I'm going to see him again. It's just all so overwhelming right now. In less than a month we will celebrate our 6 month anniversary. Well, I will at least because I'm going to pull the gender card here and say, he's a guy and doesn't necessarily think about these things, LOL. But I really found the man of my dreams here. It is an honest and true feeling. His words just fill my heart with happiness and love. It's just something that I have never felt before. And it's something that I never want to let go of <3
Friday, February 19, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
No, It Won't Change
Yay, another blog post this week! I really enjoyed my last post, and I hope that others did. I love Miss Illi and chatting about her. However, I need to take a little more of a serious turn in this.
I saw a post on Facebook that really got my mind thinking. Since I started dating a guy in a wheelchair, I have gotten plenty of questions and comments from various persons in my life. Most of the questions and comments have been reasonable, others are the frustrating and eventually painful questions that every SO of a person who has been paralyzed faces. While I have only been with LQ for 5 months, there are always reactions and questions.
Honestly, after I tell people about LQ and that he is a C5 quadriplegic, the first reaction is usually "OMG" or "What exactly does that mean". Truthfully, I like having people ask certain questions and showing interest in my relationship and me. The one big question is "What Happened?" I don't mind that question. People are just naturally curious. So, I explain to them the swimming accident and the injury to the best of my knowledge. Explaining to them though that the injury is complete is sometimes hard for them to swallow. When an injury is as severe (or I just refer to it as high) as LQ's is, it's hard for people to accept sometimes. When I tell people that his hands are completely paralyzed and his triceps are completely paralyzed as well. I usually need to explain things in pretty basic terms. They understand that his hands are paralyzed. However, I usually need to explain that he cannot straighten his arms through his own will. It's all gravity that takes care of that. He cannot lift his arms above his head, his triceps would control that. So, it's usually when people hear these things that you begin to hear the "Oh my, I'm so sorry".
But what really brought this on was reading a story on a Facebook group. It is a support group for Wives and Girlfriends of Men with SCI. Even though I am a Dev, going to this group really helps because there are many questions and situations that these women have been in that I have not been in yet and that they know a lot more about. I was reading though about a woman whose husband recovered from his SCI after 10 years and is now walking and no longer needs his wheelchair and hospital bed. This has made me really think. When I started to tell my friends and co workers about LQ and I, I told them he was a quadriplegic. And of course, people always ask the question, "Will he ever recover?"
Well, recover is a loaded word. Recover in the physical sense? Well, what physical sense? Will his spinal cord heal on its own? No, it won't. He has been a complete quadriplegic for 11 years, there isn't going to be a magical cure all the sudden. But has he recovered physically to the point that he is able to not only function but thrive in society? Yes, he totally has. Sometimes I feel like he is able to function better in society than I can. He sometimes has more of a will to function in society than I do. Of course he has pretty much recovered in the mental and emotional sense. Of course, there are always going to be days that people struggle. We all have them. But after becoming a high level quad at 14, I would say that LQ has recovered pretty well now that he is going to be graduating from Law School in a few months.
It is really important for people to realize that not every person with a spinal cord injury can make these miraculous recoveries that the media likes to discuss. The media always likes to add in "feel good stories" or "disabled porn". These are the things that people want to hear and read. People don't want to hear that the injuries won't change, that people won't make a recovery. And it is frustrating to hear people ask that all the time. Especially when the person is well adjusted. Understand that the adjustment isn't always an easy one. It takes a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fighting to get back to the new normal. It's important to keep pushing forward, not trying to change the unchangeable.
I saw a post on Facebook that really got my mind thinking. Since I started dating a guy in a wheelchair, I have gotten plenty of questions and comments from various persons in my life. Most of the questions and comments have been reasonable, others are the frustrating and eventually painful questions that every SO of a person who has been paralyzed faces. While I have only been with LQ for 5 months, there are always reactions and questions.
Honestly, after I tell people about LQ and that he is a C5 quadriplegic, the first reaction is usually "OMG" or "What exactly does that mean". Truthfully, I like having people ask certain questions and showing interest in my relationship and me. The one big question is "What Happened?" I don't mind that question. People are just naturally curious. So, I explain to them the swimming accident and the injury to the best of my knowledge. Explaining to them though that the injury is complete is sometimes hard for them to swallow. When an injury is as severe (or I just refer to it as high) as LQ's is, it's hard for people to accept sometimes. When I tell people that his hands are completely paralyzed and his triceps are completely paralyzed as well. I usually need to explain things in pretty basic terms. They understand that his hands are paralyzed. However, I usually need to explain that he cannot straighten his arms through his own will. It's all gravity that takes care of that. He cannot lift his arms above his head, his triceps would control that. So, it's usually when people hear these things that you begin to hear the "Oh my, I'm so sorry".
But what really brought this on was reading a story on a Facebook group. It is a support group for Wives and Girlfriends of Men with SCI. Even though I am a Dev, going to this group really helps because there are many questions and situations that these women have been in that I have not been in yet and that they know a lot more about. I was reading though about a woman whose husband recovered from his SCI after 10 years and is now walking and no longer needs his wheelchair and hospital bed. This has made me really think. When I started to tell my friends and co workers about LQ and I, I told them he was a quadriplegic. And of course, people always ask the question, "Will he ever recover?"
Well, recover is a loaded word. Recover in the physical sense? Well, what physical sense? Will his spinal cord heal on its own? No, it won't. He has been a complete quadriplegic for 11 years, there isn't going to be a magical cure all the sudden. But has he recovered physically to the point that he is able to not only function but thrive in society? Yes, he totally has. Sometimes I feel like he is able to function better in society than I can. He sometimes has more of a will to function in society than I do. Of course he has pretty much recovered in the mental and emotional sense. Of course, there are always going to be days that people struggle. We all have them. But after becoming a high level quad at 14, I would say that LQ has recovered pretty well now that he is going to be graduating from Law School in a few months.
It is really important for people to realize that not every person with a spinal cord injury can make these miraculous recoveries that the media likes to discuss. The media always likes to add in "feel good stories" or "disabled porn". These are the things that people want to hear and read. People don't want to hear that the injuries won't change, that people won't make a recovery. And it is frustrating to hear people ask that all the time. Especially when the person is well adjusted. Understand that the adjustment isn't always an easy one. It takes a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fighting to get back to the new normal. It's important to keep pushing forward, not trying to change the unchangeable.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Service Dog Life
So, I just returned from my latest visit with LegalQuad. It was absolutely wonderful. It was his birthday and I just needed to be there with him. It is the first time that we have been together since before Thanksgiving and a lot has been going on. I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, however we got into an argument just before I was supposed to go, and I made the decision that I was too frustrated to go. However, I kicked myself for two weeks because of it. It was a hard decision. But it was one that I needed to make.
Back to this weekend though. I left Friday after work. After 3 1/2 hours on the bus and a 10 minute cab ride, I was there. Finally <3
After letting him know I was downstairs waiting for him, He came and greeted me with Illi, his service dog in tow. This girl is too funny. She is a 75 lb golden retriever, and she things that she is a lap dog. When she sees someone that she knows, she is all over them like white on rice. This includes me now LOL. Well, we get up to his apartment and Illi wasn't having it that he and I wanted to cuddle and kiss. She kept jumping up on both of us, licking us and squeaking. Finally she settled down a little, we had some us time, and then went out into the living room to watch TV. Well, while we were watching TV Illi decided to have some fun with my fleece coat and ate a huge hole in the middle of it. I'm not sure if this is out of excitement that she does this to my sweaters and hoodies, or out of jealousy. But, it's the second time she's done this now. Oh well, could be worse I guess.
I said right away on Saturday though that I wanted to do this blog post. Because even though we went to the State Fair together and he had Illi with him, Saturday was really the first time that we had been out together since we started dating. Of course, Illi came with us. She was well behaved as usual, but it was really eye opening what it's like to be out with a service dog. We took the bus to a large local mall. I was on the bus with them before, and Illi was well behaved. Saturday though, she just couldn't get herself in a good position. She was trying really hard to get herself into a small spot, but she just couldn't get herself in there. So, she ended up laying in the middle of an aisle. Not exactly the ideal spot for a 75 lb dog. I ultimately needed to take her and hold her over by me to get her out of the way. I didn't mind doing this, and she didn't mind, but in a way I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries because she is his Service Dog. But, it worked out in the end.
While in the mall, you would have honestly thought that Illi was on display. I didn't fully mind really. Of course kids are going to see a dog and freak out and squeal about seeing a "doggy" or "puppy". What got to me though, were all the people that kept pointing out Illi. Both to their kids and to other adults. Yes, it's a dog. Please don't keep acting like you have never seen a dog before. You see her attached to LegalQuad's chair, you see her red vest with patches, because people kept making comments about her being a service dogs. And honestly, by the end of the day I was really frustrated and really wanted to yell at people about it. Because I don't know if it's just a lack of knowledge or straight ignorance for the fact that she is a working dog. I did hear some parents educating their children, telling them that they aren't supposed to touch the doggy because it's working and helping. Those are the people I love to hear. Because it's so important for people to be educated on service dogs. Even while we were out to dinner, a server (who wasn't ours) kept coming around and commenting on Illi. It was really that that set me off. Because everyone else in the restaurant was great. They moved a second chair even so that Illi had extra room to lay under the table out of the way. I was really impressed with how the restaurant handled Illi. Luckily, we did't run into any access problems. Just with the public that doesn't know the proper etiquette for people with service dogs.
I don't know if people in the regular "disability world" consider public speaking about disabilities as "disability porn" like I hear and read in Dev/PWD forums, but I would never object to Legalquad doing this someday. And maybe it's because I work with students with disabilities, and even though they have different disabilities than LQ does, I still see the way so many of them look at my aunt, who is a teacher in the same building, who has been in a wheelchair since she was 15, and they just have a different level of respect for her. Truthfully, I really do believe that LQ has so much to offer knowledge wise, and educating people is the best way to change the way that people treat persons with disabilities. I have digressed here. But it may be another post somewhere down the line.
Illi is a very lucky dog. She is well loved, well taken care of, and quite the princess. She is also a very hard working dog, and does her tasks well. I know that I am thankful for her, and she's not even mine :)
Miss Thing herself.
My man and his girl.
Back to this weekend though. I left Friday after work. After 3 1/2 hours on the bus and a 10 minute cab ride, I was there. Finally <3
After letting him know I was downstairs waiting for him, He came and greeted me with Illi, his service dog in tow. This girl is too funny. She is a 75 lb golden retriever, and she things that she is a lap dog. When she sees someone that she knows, she is all over them like white on rice. This includes me now LOL. Well, we get up to his apartment and Illi wasn't having it that he and I wanted to cuddle and kiss. She kept jumping up on both of us, licking us and squeaking. Finally she settled down a little, we had some us time, and then went out into the living room to watch TV. Well, while we were watching TV Illi decided to have some fun with my fleece coat and ate a huge hole in the middle of it. I'm not sure if this is out of excitement that she does this to my sweaters and hoodies, or out of jealousy. But, it's the second time she's done this now. Oh well, could be worse I guess.
I said right away on Saturday though that I wanted to do this blog post. Because even though we went to the State Fair together and he had Illi with him, Saturday was really the first time that we had been out together since we started dating. Of course, Illi came with us. She was well behaved as usual, but it was really eye opening what it's like to be out with a service dog. We took the bus to a large local mall. I was on the bus with them before, and Illi was well behaved. Saturday though, she just couldn't get herself in a good position. She was trying really hard to get herself into a small spot, but she just couldn't get herself in there. So, she ended up laying in the middle of an aisle. Not exactly the ideal spot for a 75 lb dog. I ultimately needed to take her and hold her over by me to get her out of the way. I didn't mind doing this, and she didn't mind, but in a way I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries because she is his Service Dog. But, it worked out in the end.
While in the mall, you would have honestly thought that Illi was on display. I didn't fully mind really. Of course kids are going to see a dog and freak out and squeal about seeing a "doggy" or "puppy". What got to me though, were all the people that kept pointing out Illi. Both to their kids and to other adults. Yes, it's a dog. Please don't keep acting like you have never seen a dog before. You see her attached to LegalQuad's chair, you see her red vest with patches, because people kept making comments about her being a service dogs. And honestly, by the end of the day I was really frustrated and really wanted to yell at people about it. Because I don't know if it's just a lack of knowledge or straight ignorance for the fact that she is a working dog. I did hear some parents educating their children, telling them that they aren't supposed to touch the doggy because it's working and helping. Those are the people I love to hear. Because it's so important for people to be educated on service dogs. Even while we were out to dinner, a server (who wasn't ours) kept coming around and commenting on Illi. It was really that that set me off. Because everyone else in the restaurant was great. They moved a second chair even so that Illi had extra room to lay under the table out of the way. I was really impressed with how the restaurant handled Illi. Luckily, we did't run into any access problems. Just with the public that doesn't know the proper etiquette for people with service dogs.
I don't know if people in the regular "disability world" consider public speaking about disabilities as "disability porn" like I hear and read in Dev/PWD forums, but I would never object to Legalquad doing this someday. And maybe it's because I work with students with disabilities, and even though they have different disabilities than LQ does, I still see the way so many of them look at my aunt, who is a teacher in the same building, who has been in a wheelchair since she was 15, and they just have a different level of respect for her. Truthfully, I really do believe that LQ has so much to offer knowledge wise, and educating people is the best way to change the way that people treat persons with disabilities. I have digressed here. But it may be another post somewhere down the line.
Illi is a very lucky dog. She is well loved, well taken care of, and quite the princess. She is also a very hard working dog, and does her tasks well. I know that I am thankful for her, and she's not even mine :)
Miss Thing herself.
My man and his girl.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
When You Aren't Physically There
So, I have learned a lot over the last few months about how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship as well as how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone with a physical disability. One of those difficulties is not being able to physically be there when something is wrong. Or, even not knowing that something is wrong. Yes, there are usually warning signs of some sort. However, you never truly know if something is wrong if you aren't told. And when your main form of communication is through texting, trying to find out if something is wrong isn't always the easiest.
One thing that I have not experienced with legalquad yet is an Autonomic Dysreflexia episode. AD is a fairly common occurrence among persons with higher levels of spinal cord injuries. It is scary though, and can be potentially life threatening. If left untreated or the cause is not determined, it can ultimately result in death from high blood pressure, so it is not something to joke around with. It is honestly what scares me the most of anything. And believe you me, Legalquad and I have had many conversations about it and my worry.
Even though I have no witnessed an AD episode, I have talked to him just before and just after a couple of them. And truthfully, they just scare me. But I need to know about them also. For me, it is an important aspect of our relationship and the distance to know these things. Even though it kills me to know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help him. And maybe it is my over-sensitivity to the AD episodes that has made it where he didn't want to tell me about these episodes. He had an episode today that was apparently quite severe. And I didn't know. I knew that something wasn't right today, but I didn't know what. He just wasn't talking to me this morning/afternoon. I didn't know why. Honestly, the selfish part of me thought that he was angry with me because I went to bed last night without Skyping. OK, maybe the more paranoid part of me. But it's part of why communication is so much of a key factor. Because I don't know these things. I'm glad that he is OK though. Even though he opted to try to protect me from it all, in fear of scaring me away, I'm just upset about the way he went about it.
And of course I'm upset about the fact that I can't physically be there for him either. It is the part of the ldr that breaks me the most. Because we both have times where we just need each other, and I can't do anything about it. But it breaks my heart when he tries so hard to protect me from it also.
One thing that I have not experienced with legalquad yet is an Autonomic Dysreflexia episode. AD is a fairly common occurrence among persons with higher levels of spinal cord injuries. It is scary though, and can be potentially life threatening. If left untreated or the cause is not determined, it can ultimately result in death from high blood pressure, so it is not something to joke around with. It is honestly what scares me the most of anything. And believe you me, Legalquad and I have had many conversations about it and my worry.
Even though I have no witnessed an AD episode, I have talked to him just before and just after a couple of them. And truthfully, they just scare me. But I need to know about them also. For me, it is an important aspect of our relationship and the distance to know these things. Even though it kills me to know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help him. And maybe it is my over-sensitivity to the AD episodes that has made it where he didn't want to tell me about these episodes. He had an episode today that was apparently quite severe. And I didn't know. I knew that something wasn't right today, but I didn't know what. He just wasn't talking to me this morning/afternoon. I didn't know why. Honestly, the selfish part of me thought that he was angry with me because I went to bed last night without Skyping. OK, maybe the more paranoid part of me. But it's part of why communication is so much of a key factor. Because I don't know these things. I'm glad that he is OK though. Even though he opted to try to protect me from it all, in fear of scaring me away, I'm just upset about the way he went about it.
And of course I'm upset about the fact that I can't physically be there for him either. It is the part of the ldr that breaks me the most. Because we both have times where we just need each other, and I can't do anything about it. But it breaks my heart when he tries so hard to protect me from it also.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Introduction-legalquad
Sorry for the late post. As the lovely Quadlover mentioned before I am a C-5 quadriplegic injured at the end of August 2004, and I am currently a law student in my third and final year at the local law school. In my career I plan on working in public interest law with a particular focus in disability law.
In addition I have a strong interest in sports, particular my favorite two baseball and football. I am a big Yankees and Giants fan with an intense passion for each of the teams.I also enjoy playing NCAA football on ps2 (old fashioned I know) and civilization v on my Mac.
The other girl in my life is my four year old golden retriever service dog.She helps me with stuff like opening doors,lights, and being my de facto doorbell lol.
Finding out about devotees and finding Quadlover in particular has been a revelation of sorts.I always thought I would be in relationships with women who loved me DESPITE my disability and never really imagined it being an attraction factor.However unbeknownst to me a whole community of men and women exist who value and even prefer relationships with PWDs (People with disabilities) ! 😁
This has been an amazing eye opener to me although sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to do spontaneous things that boyfriends typically do and it is frustrating at times,but overall I think we have a good thing going here.😄 Feel free to ask me any questions or post comments belong. Just don't be an asshat.
In addition I have a strong interest in sports, particular my favorite two baseball and football. I am a big Yankees and Giants fan with an intense passion for each of the teams.I also enjoy playing NCAA football on ps2 (old fashioned I know) and civilization v on my Mac.
The other girl in my life is my four year old golden retriever service dog.She helps me with stuff like opening doors,lights, and being my de facto doorbell lol.
Finding out about devotees and finding Quadlover in particular has been a revelation of sorts.I always thought I would be in relationships with women who loved me DESPITE my disability and never really imagined it being an attraction factor.However unbeknownst to me a whole community of men and women exist who value and even prefer relationships with PWDs (People with disabilities) ! 😁
This has been an amazing eye opener to me although sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to do spontaneous things that boyfriends typically do and it is frustrating at times,but overall I think we have a good thing going here.😄 Feel free to ask me any questions or post comments belong. Just don't be an asshat.
Give and Take
So, 2 posts in 1 day. How lucky for everyone. This is part of my re-grouping. I need to post to let things out before I burst from all the pent up thoughts and everything. 4 months, it's not a long time for a relationship, at least not in the grand scheme of things. But for me, it's the longest relationship I have ever been in, especially since I was diagnosed with bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. It hasn't been the easiest for me to have a normal, semi-healthy relationship, and most people I have met haven't really known or wanted to know how to handle the meltdowns and crap that come with mental illness and me. So, really I had given up on relationships and people understanding what it's like trying to date a girl with mental illnesses.
Now, insert new found Devness. I went looking to fulfill that feeling that I had had for so long. And along came my boyfriend. We talked online for a couple of months before meeting in person, and after meeting in person I knew that he was the one for me. What our relationship consists a lot of though is give and take. And honestly, I do feel like it is me giving a lot. And for good reason I know. I know that physically he could not come here and spend the night. He can't just jump on any Greyhound bus and come to me. He can't just get any hotel room. Most things in life for him cannot be spontaneous. And really, for the most part, I am OK with that. Key phrase there though is "for the most part". Then there are days like today. I will be visiting him in a couple of weeks. We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months. It will be over 2 months by the time that we do. After that visit I will be back 2 weeks after that for his birthday. Which, I don't mind. But the selfish part of me got thinking about it all. The amount that I give. And how sometimes it's just not fair. Because I know that unless he is still in his apartment in May, and I make the plans, I won't see him for my birthday. And in a way, he's OK with that. But am I? I truthfully don't know. Because there just has to be some way. It is all part of that give in take. Sometimes I feel like I am doing a lot more of the giving than the taking. Even though I know that he has to deal with the emotional parts of me. But that is a two way street also. It is a very tough call. Because it is something that you just need to deal with when you are dating someone with a high level spinal cord injury. It is part of the life that no one really prepares you for. It is part of the hoops that you need to jump through to stay a couple, and persevere through to make it to the other side when you can actually be together. But on this night, with these thoughts, this give and take kinda sucks.
Difficult Few Weeks
This has been an incredibly difficult couple of weeks for Legalquad and I. He has decided that he doesn't want to do this blog. It is difficult for him when it comes to writing. He has no voluntary use of his hands. Because he is a C5 quad, the only functional movement he has in his arms are his shoulders and biceps. He cannot feel the outside of his arms at all, can feel his biceps and just below a little. So, when it comes to typing, it is not exactly doable. He does use Dragon dictation. That is how he has done his work for school all these years. For everything else, he usually uses his iPad and iPhone. Apple is very much accessibility friendly. So, for him to try to do this blog, it was just taking too much time that he doesn't really have/didn't really feel like investing in this. So, we have a Tumblr blog also that he more or less will run.
Things have been difficult between us. Obviously since he is home, he is spending time with his family, which is great. But, I am honestly a little jealous. I'll get over it. But it is taking a toll on our relationship. We haven't seen each other in 2 months, and that is killing me. We will celebrate Christmas together in a couple weeks. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to try to be nice and buy him new wrist braces. He wears them all the time and prefers to have stiff wrists instead of floppy wrists. Well, the velcro that were on his braces were giving out and the braces were virtually useless. So, I order braces online that I thought were the same as what he had. They weren't. And these ones have latex in them. Guess who's allergic to latex? If you guessed Legalquad, you're right. So, this caused him to break out and one of the hives opened up, so now he has a small open sore on his arm from me. I was a mess. I just kept saying that I broke my boyfriend. I felt (and still feel) incredibly guilty. That guilt is just eating me alive. I ordered new (and correct) ones this time, and he should have them Tuesday when he gets to school. It will make me feel better once he is using those instead of the ones that have latex. His dad was angry about it, and his mom was concerned of course. And watching all of them flipping out didn't help how I felt about everything. And honestly, I just keep replaying that night in my head.
I feel just very distant from everyone right now. I know that it's me. But I just feel like I'm at a loss lately. This time of year is hard for me. And that is part of the problem. I get on Skype and barely talk, because of the depression. And I just feel so guilty about everything. I just feel very alone, and the distance between us (physical distance) isn't helping at all.
Things have been difficult between us. Obviously since he is home, he is spending time with his family, which is great. But, I am honestly a little jealous. I'll get over it. But it is taking a toll on our relationship. We haven't seen each other in 2 months, and that is killing me. We will celebrate Christmas together in a couple weeks. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to try to be nice and buy him new wrist braces. He wears them all the time and prefers to have stiff wrists instead of floppy wrists. Well, the velcro that were on his braces were giving out and the braces were virtually useless. So, I order braces online that I thought were the same as what he had. They weren't. And these ones have latex in them. Guess who's allergic to latex? If you guessed Legalquad, you're right. So, this caused him to break out and one of the hives opened up, so now he has a small open sore on his arm from me. I was a mess. I just kept saying that I broke my boyfriend. I felt (and still feel) incredibly guilty. That guilt is just eating me alive. I ordered new (and correct) ones this time, and he should have them Tuesday when he gets to school. It will make me feel better once he is using those instead of the ones that have latex. His dad was angry about it, and his mom was concerned of course. And watching all of them flipping out didn't help how I felt about everything. And honestly, I just keep replaying that night in my head.
I feel just very distant from everyone right now. I know that it's me. But I just feel like I'm at a loss lately. This time of year is hard for me. And that is part of the problem. I get on Skype and barely talk, because of the depression. And I just feel so guilty about everything. I just feel very alone, and the distance between us (physical distance) isn't helping at all.
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